Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Let's talk about the weather

Hey look! It's snowing outside! It's a whiteout! And after the spring-like weather during last week? And now everybody's all groaning and dragging their knuckles about it. Mwahahaha!! I LOVE IT! I love hearing people bellyache about winter, it strengthens me. I love how the weather in NE Ohio this time of the year totally toys with us. It's like while we were sleeping Sunday night old man winter gently eased himself down to our ears, stroked our hair and said: "Awww, aren't you sweet? did you like playing outside in the park with your loved ones? Did you enjoy that cute little impromptu BBQ you had with all your little buddies last weekend? Good. I'm happy for you. NOW SUCK IT!!!!!" The next morning we're scraping ice off our windshields.

And everybody always acts so surprised when the weather throws us a curveball like this: "Awww man, I just peeled off the plastic from my windows, what just happened?!" What happened? WHAT HAPPENED? I tell you what happened, weakling: The same thing that happens every other week during this time of year! And guess what, it's gonna keep doing this until late April/May.

But, there's an upside. We as Ohioans are natural ADAPTERS. Deep down we're warriors. Because of these unstable climate blips we're ready for anything. If a nuclear winter happens to plague our planet, we will be the ones to emerge from our fallout shelters to re-build and re-populate - First thing on the agenda: Get Daffy Dans started up again - "Kiss me, I survived the nuclear holocaust." The strength is in us Cleveland! Buck up! You're a weather-hardened people. Quit crying.

Anyway, it's going to be a sad, sad day when Dick Goddard dies on us. It takes a special breed of weathermen to work at any TV station in the NE OHIO region, weathermen with BALLS. Dick may not always be ACCURATE, but then again, who can when the weather goes through these cursed climatic convulsions.




We love you, Dick. Your efforts are worthy and noble.
Wit and Wisdom by: at

5 comments:

  1. Dylan ToddApril 7, 2009 at 10:27 AM

    See, you're much more positive than I. I think this weather cultivates the underlying idea that the universe hates Ohioans.

    "Sucky teams, sucky weather, sucky economy. Maybe we shouldn't have chased those Mormons out all those years ago. Oh well, I guess I'll just snuggle up and watch the Indians get killed by the Rangers. Then I'll go shovel my driveway. I love May."

    And Dick Goddard is great. I love how they trot him out and he just sort of rambles. He's excellent. There's nothing like getting your weather from a dottering old man who's clinging desperately to his last bit of lucidity. Much better than that AJ Colby guy on channel 3. That dude just bugs me.

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  2. .:kj:.April 7, 2009 at 4:49 PM

    T.S. Eliot must have spent a sizable amount of time in NE Ohio in the late winter/early spring when he wrote in "The Waste Land," "...April is the cruelest month..." Sigh.

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  3. AnonymousApril 9, 2009 at 8:43 PM

    Where and why does Dick get all the useless trivia he uses during the weather time on the news. Is it just "filler" or does he really care...oh, btw, (per Dick) don't buy a bunny for a pet unless you plan on keeping it for years. If you tire of it, don't set it free outside...it could be prey for other carnivores.

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  4. AnonymousApril 10, 2009 at 5:17 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Jeni JonesApril 10, 2009 at 5:25 PM

    I would love a position where I could be frequently wrong, and still enjoy job security, AND be well compensated.
    How long to we expect Dick to be with us? hhhuuummm...

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