I KNOW HOW TO MERGE * There's a strong chance that you don't. Here, let me explain it to you: The act of merging does not rest solely upon the vehicle entering the highway, it also involves the car that's in the outside lane. Two scenarios come to mind. If traffic is relatively light and you are the one entering the highway, gauge how the flow of traffic is moving and accelerate accordingly. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT BREAK!!! This is how accidents happen, you weirdo. On the other hand, if you are the car that is foolishly cruising along in the outside lane and see another car on the on-ramp then CHANGE LANES!!! MOVE OVER! In fact, just don't ever drive because chances are you drive too slowly to be on any major highway anyways - Ride the bus, granny.
The second scenario is when traffic is heavy, like, say, how it is 24-hours a day on the inner-belt bridge downtown. Considerately changing lanes is far more difficult. This doesn't mean that you're off the hook. Both parties, the on-coming car (car A) and the car that's already in the traffic flow(Car B) must be mindful of each other and help out. The merging formation should resemble the motion like unto a zipper. Car B should ease off the gas (DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT BREAK!) to allow one (1) car to merge in front. Car A should accelerate to match the speed of the flow of traffic.. So on and so forth.
See? That ain't so bad is it? If only people knew how to do this, it wouldn't take me 34423524098fuads98cfy9gh(A&GFd3894789q324 hours to get home.
I NEVER USE CRUISE CONTROL * Naw, naw - I am the one in control. Going without crusie control keeps me focused so that I can continue to be an amazing driver. It encourages coasting which is fuel-efficient. It's also easier to decelerate when my 6th sense informs me of a possible law-enforcement speed trap. Another good practice is to keep a keen eye forward to see break lights from cars up ahead. If there is a sudden light show chances are there's a cop, giving you just enough time to slow down and allowing one of those poor chumps to play patsy and take the fall for you.
I REFRAIN FROM TEXTING TALKING ON MY CELLPHONE * I figured that I go ahead and just state the obvious. Like using cruise control, yapping it up with your peeps slowly wains your attention from the road - with or without a headset. Likewise, my brain ties itself into knots when I see people texting while driving. Amazing. It's cute that there is legislation being passed that prohibits texting while driving. How exactly that will be enforced... I dunno. But it's a good attempt at keeping people from being dumb. But in the end, idiocy always wins - but this is not the post for such matters, we need to get back to the topic at hand.
I USE MY TURN SIGNAL * Look, folks, seriously... Do we really need to go through driver's ED again? Use some common sense and have some courtesy. There, with that said, let's continue:
I'M NOT FEMALE *
MY CAR IS COVERED WITH BIRD EXCREMENT * It's like our winged friends fly above to observe my superior driving skills and reward me with special air-dropped badges of honor. Remember, the white part is their pee.
I NEVER HAVE TO PAY FOR GAS * I quote Hunter Thompson: "On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio." Taking this into account, we arrive to the conclusion that since I listen to awesome music all the time there is no need for petrol, ever.
I STILL HAVE A LICENSE * I've gotten off with more warnings than I have actual citations. Deductive reasoning dictates that the law is in my pocket, no matter how severe the offense. It's like the law-enforcement official saw me and was all like, "Oh, Mr. Jones I'm so sorry to have wasted your time. Please forgive my ignorance, bushy mustache and stick-up-the-butt gait. Here's my mace, go spray that puppy dog in the face." Those law-enforcement officials that have issued me a ticket... well, their feet have since fallen off. Bad ju-ju! Don't mess, I'm the greatest driver in the world.
I'M HUMBLE ABOUT IT* Sit, children. I'm going to tell you a story. It takes place one sultry July morning three years ago. I was awesomely driving down the west-bound side of the valleyview bridge. Thoughts drifted through my mind. Musings like: "Wow, my family is so fortunate that I'm the greatest driver in the world; my fellow commuters are better drivers just by being around me; my car is so lucky to be my car; I should start a foundation called..."
The second scenario is when traffic is heavy, like, say, how it is 24-hours a day on the inner-belt bridge downtown. Considerately changing lanes is far more difficult. This doesn't mean that you're off the hook. Both parties, the on-coming car (car A) and the car that's already in the traffic flow(Car B) must be mindful of each other and help out. The merging formation should resemble the motion like unto a zipper. Car B should ease off the gas (DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT BREAK!) to allow one (1) car to merge in front. Car A should accelerate to match the speed of the flow of traffic.. So on and so forth.
See? That ain't so bad is it? If only people knew how to do this, it wouldn't take me 34423524098fuads98cfy9gh(A&GFd3894789q324 hours to get home.
I NEVER USE CRUISE CONTROL * Naw, naw - I am the one in control. Going without crusie control keeps me focused so that I can continue to be an amazing driver. It encourages coasting which is fuel-efficient. It's also easier to decelerate when my 6th sense informs me of a possible law-enforcement speed trap. Another good practice is to keep a keen eye forward to see break lights from cars up ahead. If there is a sudden light show chances are there's a cop, giving you just enough time to slow down and allowing one of those poor chumps to play patsy and take the fall for you.
I REFRAIN FROM TEXTING TALKING ON MY CELLPHONE * I figured that I go ahead and just state the obvious. Like using cruise control, yapping it up with your peeps slowly wains your attention from the road - with or without a headset. Likewise, my brain ties itself into knots when I see people texting while driving. Amazing. It's cute that there is legislation being passed that prohibits texting while driving. How exactly that will be enforced... I dunno. But it's a good attempt at keeping people from being dumb. But in the end, idiocy always wins - but this is not the post for such matters, we need to get back to the topic at hand.
I USE MY TURN SIGNAL * Look, folks, seriously... Do we really need to go through driver's ED again? Use some common sense and have some courtesy. There, with that said, let's continue:
I'M NOT FEMALE *
MY CAR IS COVERED WITH BIRD EXCREMENT * It's like our winged friends fly above to observe my superior driving skills and reward me with special air-dropped badges of honor. Remember, the white part is their pee.
I NEVER HAVE TO PAY FOR GAS * I quote Hunter Thompson: "On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio." Taking this into account, we arrive to the conclusion that since I listen to awesome music all the time there is no need for petrol, ever.
I STILL HAVE A LICENSE * I've gotten off with more warnings than I have actual citations. Deductive reasoning dictates that the law is in my pocket, no matter how severe the offense. It's like the law-enforcement official saw me and was all like, "Oh, Mr. Jones I'm so sorry to have wasted your time. Please forgive my ignorance, bushy mustache and stick-up-the-butt gait. Here's my mace, go spray that puppy dog in the face." Those law-enforcement officials that have issued me a ticket... well, their feet have since fallen off. Bad ju-ju! Don't mess, I'm the greatest driver in the world.
I'M HUMBLE ABOUT IT* Sit, children. I'm going to tell you a story. It takes place one sultry July morning three years ago. I was awesomely driving down the west-bound side of the valleyview bridge. Thoughts drifted through my mind. Musings like: "Wow, my family is so fortunate that I'm the greatest driver in the world; my fellow commuters are better drivers just by being around me; my car is so lucky to be my car; I should start a foundation called..."
BAM!!!
In a sub-conscious act of humility I rear-ended the car in front of me who unexpectedly hit his breaks. In fact, I hit this poor Joe so hard that my humility continued forward to the car in front of him. It was awesome. I'm so humble. Ambulances. Fire Trucks. Highway Patrol. Traffic Helicopters. Most of the damage was done to my car. Most of the physical damage was done to myself. Fancy trip in an ambulance. And I probably made 10,000 people late to work that morning -You're welcome. You were all so fortunate to share the same bridge me. And despite all the excitement, news coverage and inflated insurance premiums I never got cited for it. The law is in my pocket. I am the greatest driver in the world.
That's my boy!
ReplyDeleteHow do you come up with this stuff?...bird excrement!!
ReplyDelete