In an effort to make roadways safer, Ohio legislation is now pushing to join twenty other states of this fine union to make it illegal to text on one’s cell phone while operating an automobile. As it pertains in Ohio: Once the law is put into force there will be a thirty day “grace period” so that - according to The Plain Dealer - “drivers and authorities get familiar with exceptions written into the proposal, including attempting to contact authorities in an emergency, reading a navigation device… dialing a number or selecting the name of a contact on cell phone” or playing Bejeweled, or watching last week’s episode of The Office, or searching an MP3 library for a dumb Gnarles Barkley song or something. And just how is all of this going to be enforced? I wish there was emoticon with a finger up his nose and eyes all crossed and groggy and tongue hanging limply out the side of his open mouth with drool collecting on the tip and falling off in steady, even drips. Oh, man that’d be awesome.
Texting is not the only enemy. What about all these broads putting on makeup? Or the idiots who did an insufficient job brushing snow and scraping ice off their windows so that they can, you know, SEE! Or, worse yet, the dumbdumbs who let their stupid dogs stupid sit in their stupid laps while they stupid drive. All of this, ladies and germs, is much more enforceable than trying to bust someone for texting while driving – an effort that I find cute and adorable. I just wanna squeeze and ruffle the hair of those politicians trying to make this legislation a big deal.
Really, the ideal and fundamental solution to safe driving is for people to not be dumb. But, at the risk of stating the obvious….
So what is the answer? What is the ideal solution? It’s quite simple, really…
It should be illegal for anyone to drive anywhere… ever - Except for me. POW! Problem solved. Think about it. This is the age of modernity! Man doesn’t produce goods anymore; just ideas, concepts and services. Likewise, to quote Jorge Borges, “I picture [modern man] in his study, as though in the watchtower of a great city, surrounded by telephones, telegraphs, phonographs, the latest in radio-telephone and motion-picture and magic-lantern equipment, and glossaries and calendars and timetables and bulletins…” We’re all connected to each other through the aether anyways! So, by this flawless logic we can deduce that people don’t need to go anywhere, ever, and the roads will be open and free for me to drive as slow or as fast as I frikkin want to.
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