The Ultimate Solution

In an effort to make roadways safer, Ohio legislation is now pushing to join twenty other states of this fine union to make it illegal to text on one’s cell phone while operating an automobile. As it pertains in Ohio: Once the law is put into force there will be a thirty day “grace period” so that - according to The Plain Dealer - “drivers and authorities get familiar with exceptions written into the proposal, including attempting to contact authorities in an emergency, reading a navigation device… dialing a number or selecting the name of a contact on cell phone” or playing Bejeweled, or watching last week’s episode of The Office, or searching an MP3 library for a dumb Gnarles Barkley song or something. And just how is all of this going to be enforced? I wish there was emoticon with a finger up his nose and eyes all crossed and groggy and tongue hanging limply out the side of his open mouth with drool collecting on the tip and falling off in steady, even drips. Oh, man that’d be awesome.

Texting is not the only enemy. What about all these broads putting on makeup? Or the idiots who did an insufficient job brushing snow and scraping ice off their windows so that they can, you know, SEE! Or, worse yet, the dumbdumbs who let their stupid dogs stupid sit in their stupid laps while they stupid drive. All of this, ladies and germs, is much more enforceable than trying to bust someone for texting while driving – an effort that I find cute and adorable. I just wanna squeeze and ruffle the hair of those politicians trying to make this legislation a big deal.

Really, the ideal and fundamental solution to safe driving is for people to not be dumb. But, at the risk of stating the obvious….

So what is the answer? What is the ideal solution? It’s quite simple, really…

It should be illegal for anyone to drive anywhere… ever - Except for me. POW! Problem solved. Think about it. This is the age of modernity! Man doesn’t produce goods anymore; just ideas, concepts and services. Likewise, to quote Jorge Borges, “I picture [modern man] in his study, as though in the watchtower of a great city, surrounded by telephones, telegraphs, phonographs, the latest in radio-telephone and motion-picture and magic-lantern equipment, and glossaries and calendars and timetables and bulletins…” We’re all connected to each other through the aether anyways! So, by this flawless logic we can deduce that people don’t need to go anywhere, ever, and the roads will be open and free for me to drive as slow or as fast as I frikkin want to.

Fictional Characters I'd Hang Out With

Data – As seen in the television SCI-FI series Star Trek the Next Generation

Data is an advanced-design sentient android prototype. It is programmed to learn and, by so, strives to become more human. It retains all information gathered through multiple sensory systems. It is void of emotions. It has neither fear nor inclination towards self-consciousness or embarrassment. However, being a learning computer, Data’s “personality” can tend to perceived as thoughtful or light-hearted; sometimes even spontaneous as it acts out in a way that it’s processing unit deems appropriate for the social situation at hand – though sometimes Data’s CPU may be wrong. Humans are fickle, y’see.

It would be fun to hang out with Data and distance ourselves from social situations where I would give the android an overview into why what everybody else is doing is, in fact, very, very wrong. I would then instruct him on how to be gracious, confident, perfect, and teach it by example. Afterwards, he would issue query commands and I would answer him graciously. We’d then discuss art, history, art history, music, art music history. Data would cite relevant objective information, but not his stupid opinion on stuff because he can’t; it is an android don’t forget… However, he would listen intently to my perfect opinion on matters such as old people, women drivers and music store employees. Then, when I would have enough discussion, Data won’t get all pissy when I tell him to shut his robot pie hole and abruptly turn and go do something else.

More Fictional Characters I'd Hang Out With coming soon...

The Beach at Night

There is a deep psychological oppression that comes with walking alone down the beach at night. It’s easy to feel a foreboding sense of vulnerability. Seemingly endless dark expanse in all directions and you are right in the epicenter. The crash of incoming waves begins to fade until you are the cause of every rippling disturbance. Every beat of your heart reverberates into the endless distances. Collapsing mountainside’s pale in comparison to every razing footstep taken in the fine, white sand.

Everyone and everything knows exactly where you are. They can see your face. They can read your thoughts. They: The Darkness.

You stare into the Darkness, and the Darkness stares into you. Weaknesses and self-doubt are screaming in your expressions. A lifetime of wayward thoughts are condensed and easily observed, judged. Wonder quickly turns into apprehension. Strength is diminished and helpless child-like fear gradually builds. All hopes and passions are eclipsed by the Darkness’ constant probing for more imperfections. Nothing is hidden. Nothing is overlooked.

Inuit Throat Singing

Working as a hired thug (Stagehand, audio crew, light crew) for the Cleveland Museum of Art's VIVA! & Gala series has distinct advantages. Aside from the excellent occupational experience, I am also privy to witness awesome and unique performances that I otherwise would be totally ignorant to. One such performance took place just last evening.

Tanya Tagaq is a traditional Inuit Throat Singer. Inuit Throat Singers use their voice to mimic the natural world around them. Letting this sink in for a moment it becomes apparent that this can make way for a very dynamic performance. Tanya has done solo performances as well as shared the stage with string quartets and various other troupes.

For her performance here in Cleveland she was accompanied by a drummer and a guitarist. The terms "Drummer" and "Guitarist" are used loosely in this application because neither musician played his instruments in what one would think is a "traditional" role. Indeed. They were armed with a whole bevy of guitar pedals, touch-pad synthesizers, laptops loaded with - from what I was able to glimpse - Sony Acid, small mixers, E-Bows - all kinds of fun toys, thus giving this act a modern kind of pulse which artistically contrasts Tanya's traditional vocals.

This is an interesting clash of styles, unconventional, but what we all heard on stage last night was not so much "music", but more of a sound, a space - a mimicry of some strange and twisted world.

And I loved every second of it. I'm glad I wasn't the one running the sound board because I was able to close my eyes and trip hard to what my ears were telling me. I was captivated, convinced. About a dozen people felt otherwise during the show. Seeing these old farts fumble their way to the aisle and rush to the back doors like some evil was just at their heels gave cause for me to enjoy this performance even more.

Here is a video from one of her more recent performances. The setup last night was slightly different from what you'll see here, and the sound isn't that great, and we're jumping right into the middle of the set (there may be a few uncomfortable moments of adjustment), but this is just a glimpse of... Well, you'll have to find out for yourself.


Tanya Tagaq @ Palac Akropolis

Tanya Tagaq | MySpace Music Videos

OH, MY MY MY! - March 2010 Mixtape Brigade

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=JVMVGPP7

LOL! Check it out! He's totally farting on the face of King George! LOL!

Indeed. This mix is my answer to the inevitable cabin fever that sets in around this time of the year caused by extreme wintry conditions. Or, better yet, this is for anybody who needs a new weapon to battle boredom. Play it in the background as you undertake that long-overdue personal project, home improvement projects, whatever. So long as you crank it to eleven, jam like nobody's watching, and fart on the face of boredom.